Facing the Problem

Pastor Jeremiah Wright raised some hell with the Obama campaign when his destructively edited remarks were aired a couple of weeks ago. "Our chickens are coming home to roost," was the essence of his remarks reflecting, as anyone with the intelligence of a turnip understands, the idea that the United States brought on the WTC attack in the form of retalliation for the many excesses of our toxic foreign policy. Well, it seems that FOX (Fascist Obsessive Xenophobia) News didn't air the whole story. The good pastor was actually quoting former Ambassodor Edward Peck, a white man - the full video is available on YouTube. It's what he went on to say that inspires this installment because he is so right!

It's amazing sometimes how two widely disparate movements can intersect so perfectly; in this instance Pastor Wright enunciated the point I intended to make, and will make in this essay. "Self examination," he said. "What is my personal relationship with my God?"

Perfect!

When the pain of living became too great, when there was no one else ot blame for my misery, and when all else failed, I was alone. Talk about keeping bad company! While it is true that many of my problems originated with a dysfuntional family when I was too young to deal with them, it is also true that the means and methods I employed to deal with life were destructive. I couldn't see it, so pervasive was the fear I mentioned in the last post that I was blind to the Truth: that my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, were wrong and the root cause of all my suffering. Was it my fault that my life became a living Hell?

Good question. Alcoholism is a disease, and I have it. The difference is that today I can have it without suffering from it, and the key to understanding is Self Examination. We call it "taking inventory". Self examination. By at long last embarking on this adventure I soon discovered the one thing that drove me.

Fear. Plain and simple, but like a cancer, if left untreated it spreads. Fear is a corrosive thread and my soul was shot through with it, but for many years I tried to deal with life according to worldly standards: be tougher, smarter, and quicker than everyone else; people are out to get me, to own me, to control me; everyone is out only for himself, beat them to the punch or back off and bide my time; don't get mad, get even, and most important - be a survivor! Something had to change.

Me.

When I finally "hit bottom" (what I call my Final Judgement)some loving friends told me that I wasn't a bad person trying to get good, but a sck person trying to get well. I had a lot of help, which I needed badly, and finally started coming to terms with my arch-enemy: myself.

But then there was the God thing; you know. I spent my formative years in a Catholic parochial school, where spinsters in way-out-of-style wardrobes filled my head with a lot of religious nonsense about Heaven, Hell, and Jesus. That angry son of a bitch in the sky wasn't my friend; by sixth grade I was a confirmed atheist - and rightly so, because it wasn't God I turned my back on but, rather, my CONCEPT of the Spirit of the Universe. I told my friends that I was having trouble with the "God thing" and they handed me a key.

"Design you own God," they said. "Make a list of everything you want God to be."

What a revolutionary idea! Galileo once posed a question: If you offered a man the choice between a handful of perfect diamonds in one hand, and a glass of cold water in the other; which would he choose? A No-brainer; right? But then the inventor of the telescope said: Now suppose that the man had spend three days in a desert: THEN which would he choose? This was my spiritual glass of water. Design my own concept of God?

Worth a try? You bet! I did and the list was relatively short. I wanted God to be my friend, my protector, my guide; I wanted peace and happiness, to feel useful, to be a part of life instead of apart from life. Over time that single sheet of paper morphed into a ream, and that isn't enough still: each day brings a new awareness. Today the Spirit of the Unverse (the term "God" has been so corrupted) is my Father Hey! Jesus had some good ideas after all! Once I got all the ideaological crap out of the way things started making un-common sense. It's a simple idea.

But it isn't easy. After forty-two years of sinking into the qicksand of my own polluted soul there was a momentum, a habit pattern that had to be broken. A freight train loaded with pig iron doesn't stop on a dime. For me it was like carving the faces on Mount Rushmore with a nailfile - but that doesn't matter! Getting on with it is all that matters. If my mind is roaring, my thoughts scattered and confused one day, and the next I have five minutes of peace, that's an improvement! It's a lot more than just coming down front for the "laying on of hands" though that's part of the process. Today people touch me, pat my shoulder in passing, hug me, sometimes even kiss me - and I love it. It's a new world.

But it took work to get here, lots of work. I had to understand that I was driven by deeply embedded forces of which I was totally unaware, so ingrained in my personality had they become. It was a "war in heaven" and I fought it all alone: there is no other way. I had to come to understand that whatever I perceived to be wrong with the world was actually wrong with me. Not that the world was alright, it isn't. The problem was that I had imported the misery and suffering of the world into my Secret Place of the Most High; the Father "in me which doeth the works" was there alright, under siege. My fear-driven motivations led me to a number of life-threatening situations that my escape from them were, in some instances, nothing short of miraculous. I attributed these rescues to "luck" but now I see it was much more than that. Then my luck ran out.

I was defeated, utterly and completely. The pain of living became too great and I came to the ultimate crossroads: do away with myself or find a new path to follow. It was my personal Final Judgement; on the one hand, Perdition, on the other, Hope.
The rest is history.

The world is still a deadly, dangerous place, and I wish it could be different, but that doesn't matter: I must be different! I stopped wondering about the Underworld when I realized that this is it! Purgatory: a little bit of Heaven, a little more Hell, and a whole lot of In-between. My job is to follow the Inner Leading of the Father; to allow Him to edit my remarks and guide my steps; to see others as my fellow travellers along the Highway of Life, not enemies and spoilers but ones who struggle with their own inner turmoil.

So, in the end, it isn't the world that's right or wrong, but my place in it. I am reminded of a song sung at the Unity Church; it begins with the words, "Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me." Turn inward and find your true source of strength.

The world needs you.